Mastering Motherhood Podcast

How Working Moms Can Overcome Their Guilt

January 26, 2020 Nicoll Novak Season 1 Episode 9
Mastering Motherhood Podcast
How Working Moms Can Overcome Their Guilt
Chapters
Mastering Motherhood Podcast
How Working Moms Can Overcome Their Guilt
Jan 26, 2020 Season 1 Episode 9
Nicoll Novak

In this episode of the show, Kim Raaijmakers talks about her work coaching career moms on how to overcome their mom guilt and start thriving.

For more on Kim or to contact her, please visit her website at: https://kimraaijmakers.com

For more on pregnancy, postpartum and parenthood, visit MasteringMotherhoodPodcast.com. Or follow on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.

Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Bossa Antigua" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)


Show Notes Transcript

In this episode of the show, Kim Raaijmakers talks about her work coaching career moms on how to overcome their mom guilt and start thriving.

For more on Kim or to contact her, please visit her website at: https://kimraaijmakers.com

For more on pregnancy, postpartum and parenthood, visit MasteringMotherhoodPodcast.com. Or follow on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.

Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Bossa Antigua" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)


Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/masteringmotherhoodpodcast)

spk_0:   0:13
Hi, everybody. This is the mastering motherhood podcast, and I'm your host, Nicole. This show is made by a mom, me four moms covering pregnancy, postpartum and parenthood topics as we go through this motherhood journey together. Hey, parents, do you Bambino? If not, you may want to start. Bambino is a game changing baby sitting app that's fast becoming a household name. Bambino helps families find, book and pay trusted neighbourhood sitters using their personal and social networks. The APP was introduced in 2016 and already has more than 200,000 registered users around the country. Rather than searching through a vast database of strangers, Bambino uses recommendations from friends and neighbors to help families find sitters that lived down the street and around the corner. Using community feedback, comprehensive safety checks, sitter performance metrics and a proprietary matching algorithm, they help match the right sitter with the right family every time. Bambino is more than an app. It's a community dedicated to creating the safest, most carrying network of families, and Sydor's out there. Simply put, Bambino is baby sitting, made easy, ready to jump on the Bambino bandwagon. Head to bambino sitters dot com or go to the APP store to download the Bambino app. Signing up this simple and doesn't cost you anything. Once you download the app, you'll have access to all your neighborhood sitters and you'll be able to see what other parents are saying about them. Send your request to multiple sitters and you aren't charged until the sit takes place. One loyal Bambino lover sums it up this way. It's a life saving app that's connected me with the best of the best, and they're on my block. It doesn't get better than that. Use promo code M M 10. That's Amazon. Mike Emma's in Mike. 10 for $10 off your first booking today on the show we have Kim. I'm very excited to be able to talk to Kim today because like many of you, I'm a working mom who struggles with balancing being a good mom with being a good employee. And a lot of the time I feel like I'm just doing a bad job that both Kim coaches career moms to overcome those feelings of guilt and start driving instead of just surviving. Welcome to the show, Kim.

spk_1:   2:51
Thank you. Thank you so much. tell the

spk_0:   2:53
listeners a little bit about yourself and why you're so passionate about helping us working moms.

spk_1:   2:59
Well, I'm working on myself. So I have two little ones to an almost five year old, which is important to that age. And, um, I have worked so many years in in corporate life like I did the whole I've done my bachelor's in business and did my m B A. But haven't never really found quite that, Um, John, that made things ing. And it happened to be last year. I said yes to an opportunity, which then led to, um, we going into coaching. And as I reflect back, I realized that throat, all of my jobs and all of my positions. I'm always I love the aspect of helping people, and one of my biggest frustrations was a lot of environments didn't seem to be conducive or supportive of lifting each other up. It was more of a competitive environment that the, you know, the strongest shall rise above, and that's just didn't really doesn't really suit me or doesn't really, um, all in with my beliefs. So women, when my kids were born, of course, you get this whole different perspective, right? All of a sudden, gone from this. This is my experience that some of my clients experiences you go from, is really competent on skillful employees or business owner. And as you're holding this little baby, you think, Oh, my God, Why? I just do and you feel that responsibility weigh quite heavily. And then it feels, at least for me, it felt like, um, my world kind of went out off out of alignment for a while, and now I'm deaf, been able to find that I really wanted to get into coaching something, doing that for a number of months and loving it. And it gives me so much energy to have a conversation with a client and help her realize by making some miners weeks, their commute a massive shift in their life.

spk_0:   4:57
I am right in the throes of that kind of diss alignment. Right now, my son, he's eight months old today, and I you know, going back to work was definitely a struggle. Obviously, like my brain didn't function since I hadn't had adult conversations for three months. But on top of that, to your point, like your you're fired is just shift a little bit. And so I'm just glad to hear you say that there are adjustments that can be made.

spk_1:   5:28
We'll definitely in. One of the biggest ones that I work with is that is that feeling of Mom dealed and it's it's totally recognizable because when I went to work, I feel guilty. When I come home. I feel guilty cause I wasn't at work and it wasn't, but it felt like I wasn't anything that I was doing wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good, but not good enough, Mom. I wasn't a good enough employees, Um, and now it has been running my business. I had to step through that off. Oh, well, um, I doing enough for my business. And what about my family? And it really came down toe changing the belief that I had about myself in the role that I have is a mom and looking at how that fits in with the expectations because as a society we put such huge expectations on appearance. But most especially mothers, about how we're supposed to be a response to it, I do it all well. Realistically, that's not that's never going to happen?

spk_0:   6:29
Absolutely. That is never gonna happen. When I was pregnant, I talked to a coworker of mine who had a child, and I just kind of asked her about, like, how do you do it? Because she was somebody that I did. B was being a successful business person and a good mom, and I'll never forget what she told me. And I'm curious to see what your opinion is on it. She told me You just kind of have to accept that you're not going to be the best of both. You might be 80% of both. Um, but you're not gonna be 100% at both. And she it really hit me hard because she talked about, for example, like annual reviews. She's like, You know, I do. Okay, but I also have set pretty certain boundaries with work, So I don't volunteer for, like, the extra projects and things like that, and she's like, Yeah, I hear it every year on me and you will review that I should be doing more.

spk_1:   7:26
Well, I understand where that I don't necessarily agree with that saving, but I understand where it comes from, and thats much more coming out of a traditional work environment. So, as an example, when my daughter was born the first I chose to work, um, four days instead of five days a week. And, um, it was a fairly liberal time working environment that it was acceptable. However, my male colleagues who did the same thing they were very much of. Well, we haven't I have a daddy day and management just records while they're not up here today because they have a daddy day. Where is when they were talking about me, Will You just worked for time and I finally left again, I said, But I have a daddy day. I work just as much as as my male counterparts. But because I'm a woman, I'm all of a sudden working part time. But my male colleague assembly doing this extra thing of being at home with his child for a day. And it's a daddy day. I think we're that that comes from is much more that the traditional work model and a traditional aspect of you need to working and present at all times in order to be successful. What I found myself is I am able to be much more successful. I can I can dedicate and feel really fulfilled in my business while also being really fulfilled in my I'm home life. And indeed you have to set really good boundaries. But it's also talking about that belief. So why is the belief it could only do 80% good? You could do 100% really well in both. It's just a matter of how do you look at it, though. My Children, for example, today there I set up a strict schedule that I talk about with my husband, and we set that up Is that on Saturday and Sunday mornings as an example, Are my time to work my business? No, my kids don't necessarily always like that, but I do explain it to them as well moms when we were working on her business, and this is something that I really enjoy. But this is also meant to create a a different life for us going forward. So rather than seeing it as a sacrifice, I bring it to the more off. It's an active generosity. I also look at it as showing my Children a different role model of what is possible and also what the expectations be. Oh, um, over mother at the end. I think it's important my husband and I do really carnage seat do co parenting. He is there. Add that I am their mother. That doesn't mean I need to take on 90% of the responsibility of raising your Children. We should share that responsibility. And we shared across different, different areas in different avenues. Does that make sense?

spk_0:   10:12
Absolutely. And I like that. You say that because I I feel singular and I'll tell you that some of my guilt actually comes from the fact that I get a lot of fulfillment out of my career. And there are a lot of times when I, I think, like, is this wrong, like, should I be wanting to? I stopped my career like, be a stay at home mom and that it's it's heavy on me.

spk_1:   10:40
Well, let me ask you this, then, would you? If you didn't do it, how would you be at home with your son?

spk_0:   10:48
That's a great way to put it, because I would. I honestly can say I do feel like a little part of me would feel unfulfilled and unaccomplished,

spk_1:   11:00
right? And how would, um, maybe the question becomes also, What would you want your son to think of you in 10 15 20 years?

spk_0:   11:12
That's where I think there's that balance because I think for me personally, it's like I want my son, you know, in 15 20 years, to be able to look at me and say, like, Wow, look at my mom like she's so smart. She has this incredible career At the same time, I don't want my son to look back and say My mom worked all the time and didn't spend enough time

spk_1:   11:33
with No, and that's and that's a struggle that I faced, but also like a lot of my clients of face. And it's again that comes down to, um, we'll not just simply time management, but there's there's your beliefs, how you doing, what kind of house that you have? Um, but it also comes down indeed to managing your time. So with my kids are very clear with them that, um, I have certain period of time that I worked. So, for example, on the weekends, my husband takes the kids, um, and does some Mirren's usually in the morning, But we always have breakfast together. We always have lunch together. I put them down for their nap and then I spent the afternoon with them, have dinner and, um, again put them to bed. All the things they're really the moments that are key. And I look back and I thought my parents both work. They both have their own business, but I never experienced that. My mom wasn't there for me. And I think that's just a a shift that we have to have that, um, when you're looking at building that relationship in that bond with your child, that it has to do with the quantity of time rather than the quality of the time. Because I found that when, um and this is this was me before I really got into my own businesses that I was unfulfilled at work and what led? Um, the next consequence of that was that I was also becoming more irritable and frustrated at home, So I wasn't I wasn't X selling at my job, but neither was like selling at my in my family life either. Where is now I because I created something that's really that I'm really passionate about. And I see that is making such huge impact in, um, or other women that my impact is is exponentially growing so I can come home and really spend time with my own babies and just enjoy that feeling with them and be very present with them and at the same time be very present in my business when it's my designated business time,

spk_0:   13:43
I want to ask you about something that my colleagues and myself really struggle with his mother's. So we work for a big company that all across the US, and we have to travel for work. I have my first business trip since having my son coming up this week, actually, and traveling when you have kids at home is so much more gut wrenching. Do you have clients who deal with those issues? And what advice do you have for them?

spk_1:   14:11
Although I've been in a similar situation to you, thank you. So I understand how that can can feel. And, um and it is It is. It is very hard. It's very gun wrenching. I have advised my this is what how I set it up. But also by science is that realizing that when you're raising your child or your Children, it's all about making sure you also have a really great village around you. The longest time I wanted to do everything and be everything for my Children. And now I've come to accept that my my kids have really great grand parents, that we have fantastic neighbors that will Children. And actually, I think they love my Children sometimes more than I do. Uh, because they miss, they get those nice times, right? They don't have to be the disciplinarian that you have to be is as an adult or is the parents. But it's I understand that when you're gonna make business trip, sometimes it's unavoidable because it's part of your job. Are it's part of your business. I think it's a matter of what do you believe, Um is happening on what belief have you formed around that traveling and leaving your Children behind? Do you believe that you, your Children, are going to suffer from it? Then it's going to make that trip, and that time we really got wrenching. If you believe that it's contributing to your greater vision and your great goal in life and it's a line with your values and that you are showing, for example, the that you are a role model of what a relationship could look like with your Children. Then that business trip is going toe take on a completely different meeting as well as a completely different experience.

spk_0:   15:58
Absolutely just listening to you. I was like, Wow, I really need to change my mind set around travel and how it is helping me accomplish greater goals. And I was also just thinking I had a colleague who was traveling this week and something that you said really resonated with me about how we think that we have to take on everything. So she was traveling and her husband is great. He is super supportive and everything, but she just took it upon herself to make dinner for everybody for the whole week, Reza and everything, and it was like she did it the day before. Traveling was really stressed out about it. Every single day was calling to make sure that the dinner was OK, that it was made and and it wasn't because her husband or her Children or anything like that we're like, Oh, we're gonna starve if you're not here. It is just a responsibility that she, in her mind, felt like she had. And I think we as women take on a lot of those.

spk_1:   16:56
We take on a lot of those, and I know for me I'm really especially when it's funny, because when you have your first child, you want to do everything perfectly way we did. We had books on what she should be eating and recipes and avoid these products and avoid sugars and unnatural things. All these things that we had on our list and I love that some nights now, my cool. I don't think dinner really meant any of those qualifications. And I had times have just felt really bad about that. And then I realized What, Wait a minute, Let's step back. Have they been fed? Have they? Um, it might have been the most nutritious meal, but were they satisfied? And definitely sad to say, is that they enjoy those types of meals way more than the healthy variations on a quit in front of them. I just work on finding them just a healthy balance, and indeed your colleague taking all that time to set set up meals. It's it's fantastic in and I would I don't want put it in a negative sphere because she's done it from a place of love and a place of wanting to ensure that our her family is cared for at the same time. I would would want her to look at, Well, what is what is driving that behavior? Why is that? What is the belief that she's holding onto that makes or take that action and to provide that for her family? And indeed why, um, you know, could would it have been acceptable to have just had some take out or done some really simple meals that her husband I could have done himself? I

spk_0:   18:34
think you're absolutely right. Can you talk a little bit more and you've touched on this a little bit about how you overcame some of that guilt? Can you tell the listener is just a little bit more about that in the steps you took? Yeah.

spk_1:   18:47
No, definitely. It's all a lot of it has to do again with addressing your beliefs. So I've really been working through and on, and why every time I run into a situation. Well, what's the belief behind it? Eso that's really one of them is to look at the the underlying beliefs and then reframe those. So this gets a little technical in the brain side of things. But 95% of your brain capacity is in your unconscious brain. So even though we consciously could tell ourselves you know I'm doing a really good job or this is should feel guilty for this. The unconscious brain is 95 senator capacity. So if there is an underlying belief that, for example, as a mother, you need to be confining all the meals, you need to be with the kids day and night. Um, it's not healthy for you to have a job and still have Children. If that's your unconscious belief. And no matter what you do in your conscious brain, that belief is always going to come through. Do that was, um, really a first eye opening experience that I has probably about a year ago was really working through and questioned myself all. Is this really the belief, um, that I want to have or can I refrain that belief into a difference into a different way, and it just it takes time because I constantly have to re program those unconscious beliefs until it becomes more reflex. And I realized no, you know what? I'm I'm good. I I don't feel guilty anymore in taking my time away for my kids to work on my business because I know what it's contributing to in the future. And other things that I really practiced and worked on and developed is ah, bringing healthy habits. So making sure as much as possible I have, um, healthy habits with my relationships. So, for example, I already mentioned it that there's certain meal times that I really I stick to, and I make sure that I have it with with my family. My husband and I said of date nights, for example, to make sure that we have that time as well. Um, what you're eating, You're what you're like. Yeah, that's another part of that. I started with also really got into more into time management. Most specifically resemble time locking so really designating time, Um, throughout the day so that I know what I'm I when I have time to do what and what my time is allocated to. I've had to decide, for example. Well, am I going to, um, is this a priority for me? So my priorities are my family, my business and myself. If something falls in those three priorities than I will really want to do that, and I schedule it into my calendar if it falls outside of that, then generally I said no, because it's not if it doesn't align with a greater goal or the greater vision that I have, and I don't have the time put into it. So it's not necessarily managing your time more so managing your priorities and then I found really, really important with all of that is to couple it with, for example, of vision. So I know you can't see my office, but I've taken the time to really great down what 2020 per month looks like, and it hangs up in my office so I could look at it every single day that I'm in here and realized this is what I'm working towards. But creating that vision and creating a vision is also important again. Working with your brain created into pictures, your brain works with pictures, Marshall that works. So if I would say, is you, um don't think about a purple elephant. I can almost guarantee you you're now you're seeing a purple elephant. This is This is so when you're do a your vision, don't only write it down, but get pictures that represent your your vision and create a board and put it somewhere where you can You can see it. That's just a little bit of ah, I level because that we'll filter into your unconscious brain and your unconscious brain is like this massive and in that you can use to realize that vision and indeed learn to get past those guilty feeling and really enjoy the path um that you have within your business, but also the passion that you have with your family and raising these tiny little humans into. But I always hope that they will be a massively impactful and responsible humans on their own when they

spk_0:   23:32
get that point. Love a good vision board, and I really like those strategies. So are these the kinds of things that you help career moms with when you coach them?

spk_1:   23:43
I do. I do. And I'm will be launching a new um coaching Crock program in February. I'm not sure of the date yet because I'm just putting the final touches on it, which is a 12 week program. And it touches on those items exactly. So, looking at limiting beliefs and how to reframe them, Um, time management's healthy habits, your vision creation and I forgot to mention one is, um, how to stop judgment cause we're as moms, really good at judging and most often were the harshest judges of ourselves. So those are the components that are in my coach program. And also, um, you know, one of the questions you to give me before and is, what other kinds of coaching does it look like? It can also be tailored to specific instances. So if one of your listeners really has question, they can always reach out to me either on Facebook and I got a Facebook page, a team ally, markers age or my website. Little live this morning in my mockers dot com.

spk_0:   24:50
That sounds great. Your 12 week program. Tell me more about that. Is it, um, is it like self paced is an individual?

spk_1:   24:58
Well, there's going to be two options, but I'm gonna start with a 1 to 1 program so it will be working with a client one on one for 12 weeks. So we have a call once a week for about an hour on just talk through those subjects. So I built up into five pillars but taking it into 12 weeks to ensure that there's sufficient time four that my clients to work through. That and ex structured in that way so that I don't want to overwhelm someone with all this information without giving them tools on how to apply and how to actually realize results at the end of those 12 weeks. So you want to piece it together because my clients generally come to you feeling, um, experience the mom Jill and being overwhelmed So you don't wanna give. I don't believe that I don't want to give them a self paced program without giving them at least some, um, tidbits along the way. And so coaching for myself.

spk_0:   26:04
Yeah, I love that. And it sounds like that program is really impactful and have some really good things that moms can apply immediately to their lives.

spk_1:   26:12
Yes, definitely. And I that's My focus is often is looking at How do we re with small changes highly great my house, having create massive impact, a massive change in someone's

spk_0:   26:24
life. We'll also include the link to your website in the show notes for listeners who are interested in that program. If you had one piece of advice for career moms to start feeling better today, what would it be? Take

spk_1:   26:41
a look at your feelings. So if you're feeling bad, a boat, a situation, then step into that situation and look at your thoughts. Are your thoughts positive or the negative? Generally, if you're feeling bad that you're having negative thoughts. So when you look at that thought pattern, can you pull owes a belief that you're having, And he refrained that belief. So as an example, if you're feeling guilty because you're, um, taking time for your business for an hour key, what is that thought behind it? Is that the time you're missing? Can you reframe it into a perspective? I'm This is an act of generosity to my family. This is I'm proud that I'm choosing to follow my passions and or another example is I want to be a strong role model to my Children by watching monitor your feelings. It's much easier than trying to monitor your thoughts, and that could get you into helping you really address those police one by one

spk_0:   27:45
11. And I love the work that you're doing with moms. I think it is really impactful. And I'm all for women supporting women.

spk_1:   27:53
Definitely, if I think way, we sometimes have put our expectations and the bowler so high that we forget that we are also just human, and we sometimes need a little help.

spk_0:   28:03
Agreed. Thanks for listening today. For more on pregnancy postpartum in parenthood, visit mastering motherhood podcast dot com and subscribe to this show wherever you get your podcasts. If you have a topic that you'd like to hear, shoot me an email at Mastering Motherhood podcast at gmail dot com. Thanks